Category: Healthy Marriages

Strengthening your marriage relationship does not have to be complicated or expensive. Throwing money at problems rarely brings the desired result. For instance, getting counseling just to say that you are “in counseling” is not going to save your marriage or solve any problems. You must do the work – not just when times are bad, but along the way to keep the relationship alive and moving forward in health.

The next few posts will consist of a few tips to keep your relationships going strong.

[TIP #3] Talk about more than the chores

Talking is important and required for communication to happen.  (not rocket science, huh?)  Just talking, however,  is not necessarily equivalent to communicating.

Most couples think they are communicating when they are merely delegating responsibilities necessary to take care of their household.

Being cordial and polite to one another in conversation is a good idea and helpful to do, but it cannot be the only type of talking between the two of you.  What you talk about is just, if not more, important than how you talk to one another.  Couples who are the most content in their relationship spend time discussing their fears, their hopes, and their dreams.  These couples are doing better because they are using verbal communication to learn one another more intimately.

Talking about “who you are” as individuals and “who you are” as a couple helps spouses understand themselves and their partners better.  Through doing this, you can define your family’s purpose and mission in life – which brings a sense of “us” that may have been lacking.  Another benefit of this type of communication is that it creates a “team” feeling in the couple as they face life together.

According to an article on the Gottman relationship blog entitled “Create Shared Meaning with a Culture Covenant”, writing a “culture covenant” (written list of values as a couple and family) is among the most effective ways to create shared meaning in a marriage.  The authors, David and Constantino Khalaf, define family culture as “the unspoken rules and ways of interacting with each other that shape interpersonal dynamics.”

“All families and couples have a culture, whether or not it is intentionally crafted.” – David and Constantino Khalaf

Below is a sample of the covenant tents listed in the article:

• We value vulnerability. It’s okay to express the full range of emotions.
• We help each other laugh at least once a day. And we help each other cry—if it seems we’re bottling something up—as needed.
• We acknowledge that personal growth means change, and we never want to stop getting to know each other.
• We want to serve others. We pour into our relationship so that we have the energy to pour out.
• We yield to each other. No one gets the final say all the time.

-To read the entire article, click here- 

Knowing what legacy you want to leave before you even have children will guarantee you pass on what you intend.  But don’t worry… if you have children already, it is never too late to instill purpose in your marriage and in your children.  If your children have already left the home, focus on your grandchildren or on how you can best help your kids succeed in life.  Whatever the case may be for you, defining “who you are” as a couple and dreaming together will only bring you closer to the relational and emotional intimacy you are seeking.

 

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Some of the ideas from this post came from this article:

http://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/04/marriage.aspx

Strengthening your marriage relationship does not have to be complicated or expensive. Throwing money at problems rarely brings the desired result. For instance, getting counseling just to say that you are “in counseling” is not going to save your marriage or solve any problems. You must do the work – not just when times are bad, but along the way to keep the relationship alive and moving forward in health.

The next few posts will consist of a few tips to keep your relationships going strong.

[TIP #2] Fight Fairly.

Knowing how to fight is just as important as knowing how to resolve conflict.  When fighting with your spouse (and yes, this is normal behavior for married people) you need to be aware of why your are fighting.  If your goal, in the fight, is to win – you have already lost.  The goal in fighting should be to understand one another and not necessarily to agree.  It is okay to disagree in marriage.  At times you will have to agree to disagree on certain specific topics.

You do not need to agree on everything to have a fulfilling and happy marriage.

A common misconception is that a person must “agree” with your viewpoint in order to “understand” you.  This belief is steeped in bad thought.  Why do I need to agree with someone to understand them?  Consider this example:  John is convinced that coffee should be consumed black, without cream or sweetener.  Susie, on the other hand, doggedly asserts that “coffee is just not coffee without cream and sugar.”  Which one is right?  Which one is wrong?

Surprisingly, the answer is both are right and both are wrong.  In this example, we are discussing preferences – not moral truths.  [Telling the truth vs. lies, for example].  If a person only feels affirmed and “heard” if another person “agrees” with their point of view; then that person will likely feel rejected by anyone who disagrees with them – potentially about anything.

Yes, this is an extreme example, but purposefully so.  This dynamic exists in all relationships, and is the subject matter of many a discussion in my work with couples.  In our attempt to persuade our partner to our point of view, we may stoop to name calling and the hurling of insults to “convince” them of our “rightness.”  In the end, we are merely submitting to our own pride and carnal natures when we allow this to happen.

How can this be dynamic be avoided or minimized in our relationships?  Here is one strategy:

Sit down with your significant other and devise your “rules of war.”  Talk about what can and cannot be said in a disagreement.  Literally, devise your “rules for fair fighting,” and commit to following them.  Below is a sample list of “rules for fair fighting.”

1. No name calling

2. No interrupting

3. No blaming or making accusations

4. No cussing

5. No yelling

6. No sarcasm or “witty” insults

7. No defending of your actions

8. No generalizations (“you always…”  or “you never…”)

9. No physical, emotional, or verbal intimidating gestures/actions/threats

10. No walking out without rescheduling a time to “finish” or follow up on the argument

 

According to John Gottman, PhD, and founder of the Gottman Institute, 69% of conflict in marriage goes unresolved.  It is not whether or not couples have conflict that is important; rather, it is how they handle conflict that determines the quality of their relationships.

The people who have stable, happy relationships are much gentler with one another than people who have unhappy relationships or break up.” – John Gottman

Ephesians 4:31-32 speaks to how we should treat one another in relationships:

³¹ Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ³² Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Start here: Choose to treat your spouse better than you want to be treated.  Approach them with love and tenderness in all conversations; even the “loud” ones.

A great resource to consider in learning how to covey love to your spouse is the classic from Gary Chapman: The Five Love Languages.  His website offers a free version of the assessment to determine your spouses and your love language.

 

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Some of the ideas from this post came from this article:

http://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/04/marriage.aspx

Strengthening your marriage relationship does not have to be complicated or expensive. Throwing money at problems rarely brings the desired result. For instance, getting counseling just to say that you are “in counseling” is not going to save your marriage or solve any problems. You must do the work – not just when times are bad, but along the way to keep the relationship alive and moving forward in health.

The next few posts will consist of a few tips to keep your relationships going strong.

[TIP #1] Know that small things can yield big results.

In the majority of happy and healthy marriages, both partners feel cared for, appreciated and “special.” This is a quality of the relationship shared by marriages that last long-term. Just telling your spouse “what” you appreciate about them and “why” you love them on a regular basis can increase overall happiness in the relationship and help to prevent divorce.

Many who read this may now be thinking about how important it is to keep the wife feeling “appreciated,” but here is the big “shocker”:

It is actually the men who seem to need affirmations more than women!

Research suggests that men who don’t feel affirmed by their wives were twice as likely to be involved in a divorce. How can this be? Consider the fact that women are much more likely to affirm one another in their friendships and compliment one another than are men in their friend relationships. Men just don’t “affirm” other men on a regular basis.

In most cases, even in Christian marriages, if men do not receive affirmation and encouragement from their wives, they often do not receive it at all. This creates a huge deficit in the area of a basic human need in a man’s life – the need for acceptance and approval. Men who feel respected (what being accepted and approved of creates in a man) are men who know they are loved by their spouses. Men who do not feel respected by their spouses (who feel neglected, dismissed, or de-valued) are those who tend to look for “respect” in “all the wrong places.”

Ephesians 5:33 challenges men to make sure they [love] their wives (=do whatever it takes to communicate and express that which makes them feel “loved.”) and that wives see that they [respect] (=do whatever it takes to communicate and express that which makes them feel “loved.”) their husbands.

What if maintaining mutual love and respect was not as complicated or hard as you thought it was? What if all we need to do is make each other feel valued, appreciated, accepted, and “special?” If that were true, then it could be that we have the ability to strengthen our marriages daily, without any financial expense, and without excessive effort or the loss of large quantities of time.

Start here: Tell your spouse every day that you love them. Tell them every day something that you love about them and compliment them regularly. This simple activity will help your love last.

If you want to learn more about the concept of what communicates love to men and women, I highly recommend the book, “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

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Some of the ideas from this post came from this article:

http://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/04/marriage.aspx